This was a legitimate pitch that later wound up on Medium.

Recurring wet dreams about my grandmother that are becoming increasingly nuanced
Vampires who only listen to pop punk
Bob Dylan’s phone sex line
Hand jobs from a goth who doesn’t blink
A buffet of only pizza bagels
Popcorn-flavored jelly beans
The lone survivor of a plane crash tontine
Hungover morning sex on a waterbed
The first robot dog to hump accurately
Crazy Town’s “Butterfly”
A firehose of semen thrashing about like a poisoned snake
A choir made up of Owen Wilson clones only able to sing the word “wow”
A convention of little league dads berating their emotionally absent sons
Emily Dickenson’s vibrator
Mickey Mouse making a snuff film
Ecoterrorists just chilling in Hawaiian shirts and listening to Jimmy Buffet
A candy burrito
Jesus in jorts
The Michael Jordan of lying about having a condom
An IKEA building filled with interconnecting Outback Steakhouses [Author’s Note: This is actually an old joke devised in partnership with Scott Barman.]
An ASMR podcast of couples at the theater catching each other up after bathroom breaks
A cursed guitar that only plays The Eagles and only like an overly confident beginner
Candy cane strap-ons
A crystal ball with a sewage leak
The Gallagher brothers falling in love with each other
Eating ass and dying young
Roided-out mannequins
My first pair of boobs back to haunt me
Ernest Hemingway’s bleached asshole
Godless Gen Xers
The Kool-Aid Man on uppers
Butterfly wings that look like the Mountain Dew logo
Birthday cake frozen yogurt, candles and all
Traveling back in time to see how t-rexes did it
The dying words of Keanu Reeves
This world’s smallest violin that everyone keeps talking about
The first human-level AI absolutely killing it on Tinder
Waterboarding God
A sleeve of testicles instead of a penis
The West’s loudest cowboy only yelling about fiscal spending
A cardboard cutout of the first time I masturbated
Three bags of Doritos Nacho Cheese and literally no other chips
A cryptocurrenecy that only lets you invest in MySpace
Tiny, adorable black holes
Going to town on yourself so hard that police respond to a noise complaint and rule it a homicide
Elves going through puberty
The layer of Hell specifically designated for all the lovers who imagined someone else during oral sex
Open mic night, no booze allowed
Dry destination weddings
A fairy godmother on hallucinogens
Using all three wishes to lower the price of pistachios
Having the talk with grandpa on his deathbed
The only treehouse on a military base
A shadowy league of assassins who only shoot blanks because they believe in second chances
Skeletons with erectile dysfunction
Sacrificing virgins for better weed crops
An Aaron Sorkin walk-and-talk explaining the difference between furries and bronies
Macramé lingerie
Jurassic Park but it’s all reanimated dead presidents, still kept in cages
My student loans having a body count
Shrek and he only listens to Sublime now
A new era of corduroy
Skinny dipping and accidentally getting river baptized by the local cult’s most handsome reverend
That mysterious neighborhood cat that can sense emotional trauma
Gagging at a family reunion
Making it to the afterlife and finding out Judas is cursed for eternity as simply being Heaven’s greeter
Getting a tour of Hell, only to find out there’s no gift shop
Politicians sitting on the sidelines of battle with foam fingers
Edible poker chips
A Roger Ebert for anal debuts
A grayscale aurora borealis that makes everyone hate Earth
Kanye West believing the story is actually a thinly veiled personal attack in literally any book club
Sopping wet from the very idea of a Wells Fargo not treating you like shit
Burning in Hell alone
Realizing life is just a waiting room with more space and more walls